I am a person of structure. When I lack structure, it normally means I lack discipline, and when I lack discipline, I normally end up with an anxiety attack and the making of an ulcer in my system.
So when August rolled around, and I made the tough decision to talk to my parents about missing Thanksgiving 2011, I knew it was going to be an interesting Fall Semester.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go home – every ounce of flesh that embodies my soul stillyearns for the fresh air of the Columbia River Gorge, the smells of mom’s Greco/Italian/Grilling cooking, the love of my dog – that is when he isn’t trying to hump me in the morning – and the love of my family and friends whom I care about more deeply with each passing month that I continue to ride this unstoppable train called Time.
I even had a justifiable reason – my job is to coach young men to smash each other into oblivion, and we happen to be very good at it, which meant that before this season started, I knew we’d have a late playoff game.
With much dissatisfaction, my parents had to agree. It was tough, but we did it.
You see, this is a big deal for me. For the last decade we’ve done the same thing. We go to the Kopra’s house, where Jake and I eat raw croutons (don’t ask), a lot of chips and dip, the traditional turkey dinner, and then Jake and his sisters normally pass out so I baby sit the cousins. We then play some dice game that I absolutely suck at, I get super tired, I go home early, and I wake up to go Black Friday shopping.
But this year, I had to find a new home for Thanksgiving. By God’s grace, Mackenzie and his cousins took me in, and it was an absolutely beautiful time, and I am extremely grateful and blessed to have such great friends.
But with each Carpenter’s song that comes on the radio – another slightly annoying tradition of my family (dad plays that stupid CD nonstop…he won’t even use his iPod) – my heart breaks for home with a deeper cut.
It doesn’t help that this time of year, as I wrote in my last blog a few weeks ago, kills my façade of being a manly man who plays and coaches sports and changes me to about as close as I can to becoming a woman (I say this with sarcasm, because for one, I do consider myself to be pretty dudeish, secondly, I am not a woman, thirdly, it’s okay to be romantic once in awhile).
The Christmas music, the cold air, the decorations, the lights, the cooking, and the movies – it just hits me for some reason.
Seriously, I have no idea what PMS is like, other than facing it’s wrath from my friends – but I think Christmas gives me the perpetual emotional effects. Things that don’t normally make me cry make me want to cry, and God forbid, tear up.
Just for the record – the only other things that make me tear up: Jesus time, Black Hawk Down and We Were Soldiers, the Colts AFC Championship game against the Patriots, and getting kicked in the crouch by soccer player.
But here I am, typing away at my computer, tearing up over what happened today and in all totality, what happened the last few weeks.
As we ate cookies and drank coffee (two of my favorite things at this time of year…naw, all the time), a young lady at the brisk age of 15 started to talk about her family.
Dinner tonight was already odd enough – about 5 families with no connections except to the host, and then us Biola students who only knew the Burns and didn’t know their cousins, so I wasn’t sure if I was eating turkey or speed dating everyone. It was fantastic.
Back to that young girl. Her dad is a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army. She’s moved 27 times in her life. She is more mature than most of my friends, super friendly, and just about the coolest young woman I’ve ever met.
She started to talk about how much she loved her daddy – despite how much they move, despite how she wouldn’t finish high school at the same place and would probably have to attend a few more schools, and despite how friends come and go through her life because of the constant strain of being a military family on the move.
Her dad, who was on base at this point in the afternoon, sounds like an absolute stud. After she asked a few random questions about Biola, I started asking her about her experiences, because as someone who almost joined the military, is still thinking about joining, and has had nearly every other male on the Fier side of the family serve in the Navy, I felt I could empathize with her to some degree.
She immediately and bluntly responded to my peppering about her father by saying: “I love my daddy. He’s an amazing father and a good soldier” with about the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
Talk about a gracious, graceful, and wonderful young lady (I refuse to say girl, because I still don’t think she’s only 15.)
As I drove home, I started to cry (there it is), because I want to be that type of father. A father who reflects the image of the living and Holy Father. What a beautiful moment I shared with this young lady and the rest of our table.
As I drove, I prayed that God would continue to wreck my idols, specifically of control, because I know that in order to be a father to my future children who is righteous and made holy, I must first pursue holiness at deeper level today.
Katie isn’t the only epiphany I’ve had about growing into a better young man of God lately – a student and spunky freshman young woman (still refuse to say girl) has really radically and powerfully shaken my ideas about Jesus and the pursuit of holiness.
I’d say it’s the icing on the cake to a semester filled with Psych of Marriage, Theology II,and Mars Hill Orange County, but who knows if God has finished this baking session yet.
I won’t go into details about this young lady from Biola – mainly because of time, secondly because of privacy, thirdly because it would come across wrong.
But I’ll say this:
Men – as Christians we claim to seek first a holy and righteous woman of God. So often I’ve experienced and seen differently. We seek a girl who believes in Jesus, who likes the same things as us, and who looks really good in sun-kissed California skin.
But there is something truly beautiful about finding a woman of character, grace, and love. This young Biola student knows really nothing about me. I know very little about her. But I do know her life hasn’t been necessarily easy, and it hasn’t been the picture perfect Christian home.
But when you meet a woman who understands the Doctrine of the Church, Doctrine of Family, Doctrine of Sin, and who has securely placed her identity in Jesus and not in man, her image, or by her functionality (what she does), it rocks your world.
So, for the first time in my life, my eyes filled with tears this week over not a girls beauty, or because she broke my heart (which yes, I have cried over such things I suppose I should admit) – but instead because her character so exemplifies God’s character, that I think I got a better idea and vision of what God’s complete triune character is this week.
For the first time in my life, a woman challenged me to pursue holiness. Not by direct command, not because I want to impress her, but because she loves Jesus.
That my friends, was a powerful moment.
God bless you on this Thanksgiving. For those who couldn’t go home, my hope and prayer is that you shared it with loved ones. For those that don’t get to go “home” to picture perfect families (that we pretend to have!), my hope and prayer is that you realize the power of the church and the family of God. For those of you serving or have loved ones serving in the military or protection forces of our country, thank you for your sacrifice.
Finally, for those of you that have been hurt, oppressed, broken, beat down, and abused by someone you thought loved the Lord, keep seeking the Kingdom. I can assure you that God will come through when the sinful nature of our souls and others souls gets in the way.
It was a bad decision. It was something I’ll regret in a few weeks. It’s probably going to cause a few stumbling blocks in my life. But I did it.
I tuned onto Coast 103.5 today and listened to Christmas music while running errands. It’s not even Thanksgiving. What’s wrong with me?
It’s never a good combination to listen to Christmas music, see 100 babies at school today, have a lot of coffee, and go running through the foothills of Los Angeles breathing in the cool, crisp, fluorescent smog that’s known as fresh air here in California.
That all means one thing: my endorphins are kicking, I’m feeling good, and if you’re a female you may wanna avoid me because Christmas time brings out the hopeless romantic inside of me that does a pretty good job of hiding itself the other 10 months of the year (after all, Christmas starts Movember 1st right? Speaking of which, this dirty Stache is killing me…)
You know it’s bad when you’re lying in bed cranking out a tumblr post on your phone.
But that’s the kind of mood I’m in. The mind of mood that’s says, “I don’t get an elf’s behind if there are typos and this makes no logical sense. The NBA season is cancelled, the Colts makes former NFL Europe teams look competitive, and I have nothing else but Christmas blend coffee and a romantic heart to fool around with.”
But after two and a half years of college - and it’s weird looking at the end instead of the beginning - its hard to believe how much has changed.
The game, as I’ve entitled it on previous blogs and conversations depresses me and breaks my heart more than anything. Seeing couples fly around only to end with heaps of insecurities and heartbreak that is completely avoidable puts a dent in my soul.
It’s so easy to start and mess with new people in your life: “Well she loves Jesus, coffee, and Peyton manning, that’s the neon light from God if I’ve ever seen one” can happen in a heartbeat when your 21 (or 18, 19, and 35), a little dumb, a lot restless, and you go to a school that screams “We’re the Wal-Mart supercenter of potential spouses.”
And that’s okay. It’s not okay to flirt with those feelings and let intentions cross and boundaries to be broken. It’s not okay to start shooting hopeless 3’s (LeBron should be thankful there is no 4th quarters this season) hoping to make one. Patience always …”wins.”
Needless to say, I listened to Christmas music today. It was nice. And somewhere with that came the reminder that I serve a God who is still great(er than me) and has a great plan.
This tumblr brought to you by lack of sleep, finding the love of your life (again), and the letter K - Congrats Coach on the win.