Californians Are All Gluten-Free: 10 Observations about Southern California
It’s Sunday. It’s the day of rest for most people in our country. The day that people plan very little outside of perhaps going to church and watching whatever ballgame is on TV. Maybe they go to the mall to pick up more useless items to fill their closets with – maybe they’re heading out to a fine dining restaurant with Sunday’s finest on.
I’m sitting on a couch. Listening to one of my housemates do the dishes…and it’s apparently taking awhile.
This is the time of summer where, as students, we say “Wow, summer is only two weeks over” while simultaneously and exasperatedly sighing, “You’ve gotten to be kidding, summer is almost over.” Boredom is setting in as well as the realization that there isn’t enough time in the day to accomplish every adventure you can think of.
But back to that couch. For the last two weeks, I haven’t found myself just sitting alone, giving myself time to think, which I normally like to squeeze in during the summer because I can’t afford to do it when classes are in full gear. Yet, today is the first time this summer I’ve allowing myself to breathe.
So, I could totally try to pump out another nostalgic, profound, amount of jibjab and gibberish for you to peruse through, hopefully entertaining you and pulling your heartstrings a little, but I have a slightly more amusing way. I’ve decided to compile a list of annoying things or observations about California! Here we go (and I wish I could find a link to the Two Minute Drill I wrote for my high school newspaper – back in the day when I was actually creative).
1. Southern Californian’s race to red lights. It’s amazing. You can see it’s turning yellow, we have no chance to make it being a quarter mile away, and so, logically, to save gas, the smart thing to do is slow down. And I do! Yet the Californian Asian woman (yeah, it’s ALWAYS an Asian woman!) gets pissy, throws her hands up in the air, and zooms past me…only to get stuck behind 3 other cars as I slowly crawl to the front of my lane. Take that!
2. You can tell a person from Disneyland is an out-of-stater or non-Southern Californian based on two things: facial hair and weight. I love going to Disneyland about midweek. I swear that’s when all the tourists are there. They’re all about 300 lbs, have that fat person wobble, and handlebar mustaches – and that’s just the women! The men are always worse, in their XXXXXL “Big Dog” shirts or sometimes Goofy shirts. The smell of Turkey legs is awfully strong, given that every Turkey this side of the Rockies is squawking in fear over being cooked.
3. Smoking in SoCal is trashy. Smoking in Portland is classy. Whip out some American Spirits or Nat Sherman’s down here, and expect glares from every lipo-sucked-my-emotions-out mom in the county. It’s great. Go to Portland and they ask for one. Smoke one down here and you feel like a serial killer.
4. Speaking of moms, the further south you go, the more vanity filled they get. I love driving through Laguna – it’s like the Stepford wives. Long flowing dresses, sun hats, fake laughter, enough makeup to put Barbie to shame, and enough plastic surgery to make Dolly Parton even blush a little. The Silicone valley has less silicone then you do honey.
5. The vanity-obsessed world down here creates two extremes. One, it’s extremely easy to diet – everyone supports it because everyone thinks they need it. Two, it’s extremely hard to diet, because the food industry knows this and makes every third commercial on TV or the radio about food, and every billboard is either food or for the God-forsaken Lapband (now, most PPO insurances cover it by the way). Give me a break – and not a kit kat please!
6. Los Angeleians (is that the correct term?) believe that there are no superstars outside of the LA area. Ok a few things: First, MJ is still better than Kobe. Second, the Angeles are not that great people. Third, the Galaxy? I’d rather watch a hippo give birth. Fourth, the Dodger…between the affairs, lawsuits, divorce, overrated players, and this tragedy, there is enough reasons to want to burn down the stadium. Did I just say that? Go Blazers, go Indians, go Notre Dame (that’s right, who beat USC suckers?!), and finally, go LeBron. (Last note, Chargers and Padres fans, don’t even get me started about you guys).
7. Hollywood has no celebrities. I swear, all hype. Tell me where these people are please!
8.
Speaking of girls…as long as we’re on the subject…(yuk yuk yuk):
to quote oneof my favorite movies: “There are a lot of pretty women here.” Downside? With the makeup and (lack of) clothes, you can’t tell if they’re 15 or 30. And much less, unless they’re on Biola’s campus or at my church, it’s pointless anyways, right? But boy, tourist season sure brings the best out. #ShallowCommentOfTheDay
9. The secrets to living down here: utilize Orange County, visit the more traditional cities (Pasadena, Claremont, Newport, etc.) and try to avoid the smog. Aka, don’t live here.
10. The news here is super cheesy. Ridiculously so.
Well, I hope you found this entertaining. Can’t wait to get the brood of vipers waiting to text hate messages to me, and the Oregonians and other out of staters confused phone calls asking me if it’s all true.
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