Nothing to Fier

Dating Jesus vs. Being On Mission: How to avoid missionary dating

The past year I have seen a good friend of mine go through trial (and error) with a relationship with a young man and its effects on her relationship with Jesus.

Her story, while unique, is something I have experienced, both personally and vicariously through others. In a nutshell, a long time friend of hers has been on and off with his pursuit of Jesus but has always been on in his pursuit of her.

While her younger self made promises to him that she would give him a chance if he got his act together and started loving, following, and pursuing Jesus, her growing sanctified self realized that it was a promise she couldn’t keep. This brought on a very difficult time telling him no, despite the fact he appears to be trying to be more like Jesus. By God’s grace, she understands her identity is in Jesus and the gift of salvation on the cross – not by man’s approval (Galatians 1:10-11) – and is patiently trusting this as she is belittled and her character attacked.

All together, my friend showed great faith and perseverance as she has succeeded in loving and reflecting Jesus, and pushing this young man to the cross.

That said I want to give a few thoughts of what I’ve seen other’s do in the same situation.

1.     Be leery of people who start pursuing Jesus because of a member of the opposite sex.

While it seems obvious, it isn’t to most people. Too many (young) Christians challenge someone they are interested in to follow and love Jesus, hoping they do, hoping they can eventually date, fall in love, and get married.

As soon as the other person starts to show signs of new life, the relationships starts only to see that the roots weren’t set in good soil and instead were like seeds thrown on a rocky path (Luke 8:4-8).

This nearly always ends badly, normally with one or both people returning to habitual sin, often times together, and it leads to a broken relationship with Jesus.

2.     Jesus Redeems Bad Motivators

While I am strongly against jump-starting a relationship when someone starts to pursue Jesus because of another (see point 1), that doesn’t mean Jesus can’t or won’t redeem it.

Jesus uses a plethora of inspirations to bring people to Him (Philippians 1:18). Personally, I am a living example of this. I started to attend Bible study and church regularly because of a young lady. I started to read my Bible out of competition to show her I loved Jesus too (I was 14, give me a break.) Healthy? No. Ordained in God’s plan? Amen.

Fast forward 9 years later and by the grace of God I am attending a Bible loving university, serving in a Jesus loving church, and passionately pursuing Jesus! That young lady is happily married and is a part of a family (which will grow hopefully soon?) that is all about Jesus.

If a person is saying they will start getting their act together for you, encourage them to do three things.

·      First, help them find a different Jesus-loving church than you, and attend regularly on their own.

·      Second, encourage them to find a mentor (1x1) in this church and make sure they are going.

·      Third, watch and see if they get into a community group (or life group, core group, whatever the church calls it).

3.     You’re Not Jesus

People always try to become replacement parts. As Pastor Mark Driscoll says in his Trial Serieswomen often times stick around with boys because their maternal instinct kicks in.

For men, often times our “Mr. Fix It” side kicks in. We try to become whatever they need – Replacement Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, Pastor, Mentor, etc. At the end of the day, it’s really a worship issue. We worship them as our idol, and therefore we try to make ourselves their idol.

You aren’t Jesus nor can you replace real Jesus. Don’t try.

4.     Pray, Pray, and Pray Some more.

This seems obvious, but one area that I saw my friend really excel in was her dedicated prayer to this young man. She always trusted that God’s will would be done even if it was against her desires.

Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 5 that we should “pray without ceasing” and James the brother of Jesus adds that we should pray in all situations and pray over people in all situations (James 5:13-18).

Whether this is prayer on your knees or prayer spent time journaling to God, be encouraged that prayer works in our best interests (even if we do not see it that way).

Finally, as much as prayer is talking and telling God where we are at, people forget equally and perhaps more importantly is to listen to God’s response. One book I found extremely helpful for this and other disciplines of being a disciple is Celebration of Disciplineby Richard Foster.

5.     Live on Mission

What is your inspiration for others to come to Christ? Is it so they will use their skill set to somehow benefit your church and ministry or is it because you deeply care for their soul and eternal situation?

If you’re motivation for someone to love Jesus is for your benefit (aka so you can date them) then you should probably check out of the game and have other Jesus loving people surround your friend.

If you’re motivation is for their soul and advancing the Kingdom of Christ, then stop playing the game and be smart. Jesus knew His own physical limitations in ministry (read Luke for countless examples). He constantly left his ministry to spend time alone. If you truly honestly believe Jesus is calling you to minister into someone of the opposite sex’s life, do it wisely and don’t be afraid to wander into the wilderness to recharge.

If it’s a guy, surround them with brothers you can trust. If it’s a girl, find Jesus-loving girls to surround her and show her what a Godly woman looks like.

Remember that ultimately it’s Jesus who brings real change, and you have a limitation emotionally, spiritually, and physically and that your role is ultimately smaller compared to people of the same gender.

Never grow weary in doing good (Gal. 6:9). Realize your limitations, realize your actual calling, and don’t be selfish. Simple enough, right?

Matthew is a senior at Biola University studying Psychology with a minor in Biblical Studies. For contact information, questions, comments, or to drop a line, click here.

Never Say Never: Why Jesus Agrees with Justin Bieber

Never Say Never – Why Jesus Agrees With Justin Bieber

Bible schools are stereotyped to be places to become pastors and places to become pastors’ wives.

There’s no way around the fact. But wait, before you roll your eyes and think that I’m about to strum on the same old six-string chords of love, I’ll ruin the suspense: it’s not about dating. (Editor’s note: we’re aware that about half our readers just exited the page and logged back into Facebook.)

However, there is a slightly new and upcoming trend – and perhaps I’m just seeing it for the first time, perhaps it comes with age, or whatever the case – to revolt from that pattern and declare independence.

While the number is still few compared to those who are dying to date and get married, and after all, it is (ring by) spring time, there is a faint scream from people who don’t want to get married, or at least claim they don’t want to date.

Though I tend to fall into the “hopeless romantic” spectrum of feelings, intellectually and selfishly I catapult back over to the “bachelor to the rapture” side of the conversation.

As I’ve wrestled through this conversation with quite a few people, these are generally the responses and reasoning behind staying single:

“Marriage just seems difficult, and come on, I can do more for the kingdom as a single loving Jesus.”

“I like having my friends and freedom – marriage seems like an old ball and chain.”

“I’ve kept my standards and lived up to them – most people haven’t – so I don’t think I can ever find someone who can live up to the same standard.”

“I dated seriously, it didn’t work out, and it really hurt. Why go through that again when I have Jesus?”

“Girls are confusing.”

“Men are confusing.”

“It would be a financial burden on me.”

The list goes on and on. The striking thing about these responses, is that it always start off with an I statement, usually about how good that individual is, followed by a they statement, explaining what a burden the other person would be.

While I’m going to attack this ideal of the word never, I want to be clear about something – it goes much farther than dating and marriage. How many of us have heard the following:

“I’m never going to be a missionary. Period.”

“I’ll never watch porn.”

“I’ll never have sex outside of marriage.”

“I’ll never get drunk.”

“I’ll never watch The Bachelor.” (Guilty.)

There are some fundamental root issues within “Never” statements that all relate to identity issues and sin issues in a person’s heart. I’ll cover a few.

1.     Pride: With all of these examples, the root of the sentence is all about the individual: Who I am, what I can do, where I will go, what I have done, my strengths, my abilities, my desires.

As I mentioned before, the justification of the reasoning is blamed on other:  Who they are, what they do, where they are going, what they have done, theirweaknesses, their faults, their (evil) desires.

These statements are usually said with a demeaning and condescending heart towards others.

2.     Insecurities/Worry: The second thing that jumps out about these “never” statements is the insecurities. Usually, after placing blame on someone or something else, they start to justify themselves by using excuses.

“I would be a pastor, but what about money?”

“I wouldn’t have gotten drunk, but I was tired.”

Ultimately, many of these “never” ideologies are really cover ups for fears and insecurities about the unknown. Sure, you actually do want to get married, but the fears of learning to be selfless, not knowing if you will be a good husband or wife, worrying that you will become another statistic, all lead you to the reactionary response of “I’m never getting married.”

           

You would go work for a nonprofit, you know that’s what God is calling you to, but ultimately $60,000 of debt is a lot of money and being in ministry won’t exactly pay it off quickly.

On the flip side, you could say, “I wanted to be a photographer, but I’ll never be as good as her” or “I wanted to be a business major, but I’m not as competitive or experienced as others!”

This is all simply worry and anxiety!

3.     Idol Worship: We sing a song at church that proclaims, “Turn from your statues and idols made of gold. Rise from your knees, stop worshipping, the splinters of broken gods, turn and see your King!”

I love that imagery because it’s first scriptural and second it addresses one of the very roots of our sinful nature. “Never” statements are really revelations about the idols in our heart.

We would do ________, but really, we love our situation or ourselves more. Move out of state for college? Sure, but my girlfriend can’t move with me. Go to seminary? Sure, but being a psychologist pays more. Give up Starbucks every day for a month and give that extra money to a couple in my community group? No thanks, coffee is what I need to get through the day.

Idols of people, idols of money, idols of “needs”, idols of self.

At the end of the day, idol worship leads to “Never” statements, because “Never” statements are about us – what we can or can’t be, what we will or will not do, what we want or don’t want, and not about Jesus. Idol worship is all about us, and trying to make the created greater than the creator.

So, as with everything, let’s look at Jesus and the Cross and see what the Bible has to say.

What Jesus says about pride:

In Luke 9, the disciples are arguing about who the greatest among them is. Sidenote, if you and your friends are ever wondering the same thing, it doesn’t really matter, because all of are terrible in light of Jesus.

Jesus’ response? “Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is one who is great.” (9:46-48).

While I want to stray away from the topic of how becoming last doesn’t mean becoming some person hell-bent on making sure “he is the least of these,” I do want to point out Jesus is making this point to direct us towards Him and being servant hearts. In the majesty of who He is, we are all last. None of us compare. But, there is hope. By modeling our lives after His servant-hearted life, together, we can enter the Kingdom redeemed, justified, and in that sense, first!

Also see Mark 7:14-23 and Proverbs for more on pride – specifically Proverbs 16.

What Jesus says about insecurities and worry:

“Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25.

What I love about this passage is that it actually connects to idols – pleasures, image, and monetary items – but more on that in a minute. Jesus calls us to live in the here and now. I tell my football players that all the time, that we need to be, “right here, right now.”

If we start living parenthetically (Dr. Thoennes alert), we start missing things. If all we do is focus on Easter Break, we will miss Good Friday, some key notes in class, and probably start zoning out from our quality friendships. If we only focus on frozen yogurt, then we could miss the wonderful strawberries at The Caf. If all we do is focus on the resurrection, and not Jesus’ birth and humanity, we miss one of the most crucial parts of the gospel. If we only think about eternity, we will miss the opportunity to bring people to Christ to celebrate with us in eternity.

So, as Jesus says, stop! Continue to seek Jesus, expand the kingdom, and look to what He is calling you to right this very moment. If you’re a student, then study. If you’re a husband or wife, then don’t just be a good husband or wife, but flourish in doing so and make your spouse see Jesus in a deeper way. if you’re a barista, make the best latte for the worst customer for the glory of God. Get the point? Good.

What Jesus says about idols:

“And a ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “…You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother.’” And he said, “All these I have kept from my youth.” And Jesus heard this, he said to him, “One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. (Luke 18:18-23).

Most pastors use this passage as way to show how difficult it is to give up money for Jesus. Yes, this is true. However, there is more. This man has an identity issue wrapped up in what he did, does, and can do. He is wealthy, probably respected, and he knows it.

His idol is himself.

Jesus calls us to lay down our idols, pick up our cross, and follow him (Luke 9:23). The earthly cost can be extremely painful.

For those that are well off, giving up a large portion of your income, shrinking down on your lifestyle, and doing it cheerfully can be hard. For those that are popular but don’t talk about Jesus to your friends because of losing their stature, then yes, being persecuted isn’t exactly a fun thing.

Picking up cross isn’t painless. Ask Jesus. But it’s worth the cost here on earth in order that we may hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

So instead of claiming that you need that Mocha Frap and a few hours of sleep instead of church, I challenge you to rethink your heart and your identity.

As my pastor once told me, we should be thankful Jesus didn’t look at the sun on the day of crucifixion and say, “You know what, I think I’ll pass on this. I could use some more time in the garden instead of this whole crucified thing.”

Jesus calls us to live sacrificially, not comfortably, he calls us to serve, not consume, and he calls us to flourish, not just live life contently.

So, instead of claiming you’ll be celibate, sober, rich, and comfortable, try to adapt to the idea that God calls us to uncomfortable situations in the least to stretch us, mold us, grow us, and help us flourish.

Stop claiming what you can do, and start proclaiming what Jesus has done, is doing, and will do.

To those who think marriage will be hard: Yes. Duh. No kidding. But after witnessing my parents and couples at church grow together, reflect Jesus to each other, and serve the Kingdom, it certainly can portray Jesus’ marriage to the church and to us in a new light.

To those who don’t want to go into ministry because you have debt will provide. Yeah, you’re going to have debt. Have faith too.

To those who think they have abilities, talents, and control: you don’t. Jesus does. We’re all warped and tainted – more like consumed – by our sinful and depraved nature. Jesus came to claim us from that.

Jesus redeems us. Jesus loves us. Jesus saves.

It’s all about Jesus.

Editors Note: For more on these subjects check out the following podcasts from Reality L.A and Solid Rock Church (Portland, Ore.).

Tim Chaddick, The Help We Need

John Mark Comer,  The Art of Yes + No

Solid Rock Church (Guest Pastor, Acts 29): Missional Living in Community

The purpose of this blog is to push people towards the cross, to see and seek Jesus more passionately, and to encourage people to push the Kingdom. For contact information, check out the links on the right.

Depression, Sexual Assault, and Porn - What We Need to Do As Leaders

There is no easy way to get into this subject. I want to keep it concise, to the point, and pointed. The stats I will provide you will be heavy, painful, and thought provoking. I am writing this blog to fellow believers, leaders, and hope that it points people to Jesus and helps us process what’s going on in our direct ministries and communities, taking us from the broad spectrum we all focus on into a directed and specific discussion on how we can be pursuing our communities with deeper love and conviction.

I wanted to first cover some “pre-reqs” to reading this blog.

1.     People sometimes ask me from what authority I speak from, or what gives me authority to “preach” to people. I hope that most of you see it from a heart that loves Jesus and wants fellow Christians to be awakened from sleepiness, as well as encourage and push fellow leaders to think deeper and love more intentionally.

2.     I have held a variety of positions in leadership (and non-leadership positions) over the last three years at Biola University. That includes stints with student government, assisting ResLife, working with University Communications and Marketing, coaching high school football, and being trained to lead some ministries at Mars Hill Church Orange County.

I have not always been the designated leader, but I believe we are called to lead at different times.Here is an article by Time Magazine on Leadership Principles from Nelson Mandela.

3.     Jesus is the ultimate leader and authority. I want to remind you that these topics will be heavy and hard to process. Pray and seek truth from Jesus on how you can utilize this knowledge to impact the world for His kingdom.

With the recent announcement of new RA’s at Biola University, I had the privilege to meet with a future Hope South leader over FroYo (Yogurtland for the win). We were able to discuss the process of being hired, the hardships of being an RA, the fears and hopes she had, and some advice I had from being involved (although not an RA) with ResLife and from being close friends with many RA’s who have expressed their discontent or frustration over the last three years, with how hard it is to be an RA and how there is a growing disconnect with being able to do their duties and not burn out.

If you haven’t checked out my latest blog on friendships, I highly recommend you do so. It will give you a foundation on my beliefs about leadership and community, and whether you disagree or agree, this blog won’t make much sense without it.

1.     In any leadership position, but especially as an RA, we’re called to connect with our team, floor, crew, group, etc., in a deep and meaningful way.

This can be extremely hard if we don’t redefine “friendships.”

If we look at that calling and think that we have to be friends or even best friends with everyone in leadership role, we are in trouble. We can’t be. It’s physically, emotionally, and socially impossible.

We can connect in authentic ways. Realizing this, it’s important to take away the burden of thinking “it’s our job” to be best friends with everyone and make it our calling. The word job is often used in negative light, but I believe it goes right along with “calling.” To call people your job isn’t bad – it’s bad if you check out after 5pm everyday and don’t care authentically for their well-being.

If you are able to successfully redefine the word “friend,” you will then be able to connect to your team or floor in a more effective way.

All of a sudden it no longer becomes a to-do list line but a calling! You can meet up with them in 1x1s and enjoy it, you can goof around with them and actually unwind, you can counsel them in their deepest (and sometimes not their deepest) time of need, and you can build more authentic and quality relationship with them (again, not friendship. Your friends are different than relationships).

2.     Delegate well, and push people to reach their potential. If you need to plan a floor event, ask the women and men on your floor to help out. Have them come up with ideas and call places, have them print out a sign up sheet, etc.

This isn’t a dereliction of duty but rather a delegation of duty that will help you succeed as their authority (and fellow student) but also empower them to grow! Now, if you give off all your responsibilities, that’s another thing, but since you are a leader, I’ll assume you don’t do that!

3.     Pray, fast, and get away. It’s okay to take a Sabbath day once in awhile. Turn off the phone, leave your MacBook at home, get in the car and go to the beach or coffee shop – I recommend the Art District in LA where Handsome Brother Roasters just opened up. I actually just saw an RA there spending his day reading!

Now onto heavier things.

The following are stats I’ve gotten from a few resources, including Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault by Dr. Justin Holcomb and his wife, Lindsey, Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll, Mars Hill Church, and last but not least, My Name is Hope by John Mark Comer.

I bring these stats up to help provide a vision for God’s kingdom and to push people to Jesus. As leaders, we need to be aware these problems and sins exist, and we need to utilize this powerful knowledge to deeply reach our community in love, grace, and Christ-centered visions.

Depression:

·      In 2010, 253 million prescriptions were written for anti-depressants in the U.S.

·      America has a population of 311 million people.

That’s 88% of our population who have been diagnosed as depressed, including children, teenagers, and adults, those who know Jesus and those who don’t.

·      There are more than 34,000 suicides a year.

·      94 suicides a day

·      One every 15 minutes.

A floor in Horton can have nearly 70 people on it.

If we base it on statistics, those who feel the symptoms of clinical depression (prolonged sadness, mood swings, thoughts of suicide, lack of energy, sleep etc., for more than two weeks), then 56 people on a floor could be depressed.

We have students on suicide watch every year. Yet, many times, RA’s aren’t even aware of it…more often, roommates are not aware of it. On top of that, many of our leaders suffer from it.

Those who are depressed can often put on a good Christian face to hide the pain and hell they feel inside. Sometimes, we can never tell.

I want to raise the question on why we don’t know. If we’re truly in community, these things will come up. So, how can we be pursuing people deeper and more authentically?

Sexual Assault Victims: Any type of sexual behavior or contact where consent is not freely given or obtained and accomplished through force, intimidation, violence, coercion, manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of authority.

·      Every 2 minutes someone in the US is sexually assaulted.

·      17% (or 1/6) men and 25% (1/4) women are or will be victims of sexual assault in their lifetime.

·      90% of young women involved in prostitution (or porn, adult entertainment, etc.) were sexually abused as children.

·      80% of victims are assaulted by a known acquaintance.

·      80% of victims are under 30.

·      Only 5-20% of assaults are actually reported.

My heart is grieved when I reread these stats. We’re facing an epidemic – and without resolution. If we break this down, that means anywhere from 1,200-1,700 Biola students have been assaulted or will be assaulted.

Many of whom have been assaulted and either has kept it secret or never properly healed.

If you take a floor of 60 girls in a dorm, 15 are assault victims.

On a floor of 60 guys, 10 are victims.

Many are assaulted by family members or people in the church – which leads to a lie by Satan that they cannot go anywhere to tell anyone.

That lie is from the pit of hell, and we need to reach these students.

Again, how many of us don’t know the truth in the broken pasts of our friends? So, how can we be pursuing people deeper and more authentically?

Porn: Including soft and hardcore images, videos, magazines, or anything that constitutes sexual material.

·      90% of children ages 8-16 have viewed porn.

·      Porn sites comprise 12% of all the Internet sites available.

·      25% of the search engine requests are for porn.

·      70% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site in a typical month

·      1/6 women are addicted to porn.

·      10-14 billion dollars are spent on porn annually – the same amount the US Government typically spends on foreign aid.

·      Every second, 28,258 people view porn.

This use to be a leadership topic solely for men. No longer.

On a floor of 60 people:

·      10 women are addicted to porn.

·      42 men are addicted to porn.

If you’re overlooking this as something “everyone struggles with” you are apart of the problem. If you don’t think it exists, you are ignorant. If you think it’s okay, you need to rethink Jesus. So, how can we be pursuing people deeper and more authentically?

My thoughts:

1.     We need to pursue people in a deeper and more loving way. I wrote about it in my last blog, but I would like to expand on it again. If we don’t know which one of your friends has been sexually assaulted, addicted to porn, or suffer from depression, we either are terrible friends or we’re not pursuing people in deep authentic love. I’d go with the latter instead of the former. However, if you do know whom these people are you better be pursuing them.

This doesn’t mean we force counsel our friends, it doesn’t mean we have awkward encounters where we confront them; it means we actively pursue real community (both shoulder to shoulder and face to face time) with those we love. We need to be spending time with our friends and putting ourselves in positions of vulnerability. By spending time, seeking Jesus together, praying with one another and for one another, and actively seek constant redemption together, then these things will be uncovered.

2.     We constantly must be thinking of these things. It can be depressing, but we have hope! These three horrifying stats don’t even include drugs and alcohol abuse. I bring these up to show you that just because we’re at a Christian school doesn’t mean everyone has fallen into grace and healing. If we understand and embrace these concepts, we can love people in a more enriching and authentic way.

3.     Not everyone at Biola is a Christian. This is hard to write, it’s harder to accept, and it’s controversial but no one I’ve talked to disagreed. Yes, we sign an admission of faith when we enroll. But that doesn’t mean people have really met the real Jesus.

One study done by a professor in the biblical-studies department said his average class surveys of upper classman shows that less than 40% go to church consistently, less than that are involved in a ministry or community group.

Not everyone at our school has been redeemed by Christ’s love and sacrifice at the cross. There are sleepy Christians, lukewarm individuals, and people who are choosing to live in habitual sins, among other things.

None of these things show that someone has died to their sins and been made alive in Christ (Ephesians 2). In fact, it’s the opposite. I think back to 1 John 2, “If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world – the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life – is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

Christ’s attributes will reflected in us if we are passionately following him. Living in habitual sin, lukewarm lifestyles, or those who choose not to actively live out their faith are living by the world’s standards, not Christ.

That said…

4.     We need to push people to Jesus by reflecting His attributes. We need to push people to go chapel, go to ministries on campus, and most importantly, go to church. We need to be mentors and be mentored. We need to seek the scriptures passionately and with a zeal to learn from Christ and see how the church and the apostles lived their life. We need to be tough – but in love and grace – and rebuke our fellow Biolians to love Jesus! There is nothing wrong with that! Some need a quick kick to the batteries, some need a shoulder to cry out, but we all need something.

My greatest hope is that we all become preachers of the Gospel message to fellow Christians, especially at our school. Again, know your audience and know who needs what kind of encouragement, but never flee or grow tired from doing what is good (2 Thessalonians 3:13).

This blog is meant to be a source of gospel-driven truth that pushes all of us in conviction towards Jesus – myself included. They are heavy stats, heavy facts, and hard to accept. But we need to – our communities are in dire need for leadership to step up and lead the way to redemption through Christ and His grace.